Friday, 20 November 2015

If only I slowly start again...

09:03 Posted by Afro Latina No comments

Today I am feeling a bit sleepy, probably because of lack of sunlight. This is something that deeply affects me, although I adore my place of residency. Which comes to the strangeness of my identity. I never knew where I belong. I am slowly making peace with the fact that I will probably never figure that out. I probably just belong in the universe, with no particular affection to any given culture. 

I believe being feminist is what defines me the most. But even that doesn't come without a good dose of scrutiny (by myself) and self-doubt. As much as I love it and feel liberated by it, I do tend to think there's just too much out there that I cannot understand. The whole movement being suddenly gender acritical, for example. I think this ends up not protecting the very women they intend to defend. 

I think it's quite telling that most people who usually tell me they don't see why I 'complicate' or 'overthink' things are white males. There has been a few white women telling me that, too. It's funny, because they'd never get it. So I don't engage much. I will probably not be very well remembered after my death, but if I do, it will be as the woman who didn't engage much. With anything, or anyone. That can be quite liberating, I guess. 

I have a very heavy sweet tooth. I've tried to reduce sugar countless times, with no success. I am planning on starting a new diet soon, maybe tomorrow. I don't like cooking much. I've been eating too much chicken, too. To be honest, that's been the case since I quit being a vegetarian, some two years ago. I no longer believe vegetarianism is an option to me. That can be liberating, too. Unfortunately, not to the animals I insist on eating (which are chicken and fish). 

I am spiritual but not religious. I cannot stand religion. I think it is the easiest way to make you fearful, paranoid and disconnected from the rest of humanity. I don't want to connect to any so-called path to divinity at the expense of other people's dignity. The whole talk of a particular religion being the only way is what strips people of their self-worth. 

I have lost many friends and relatives because of my activism. Daring to say what I think on social networks has caused me many troubles related to my personal relations. I regret not. Life is too short to keep relating to bigoted people. I have no problem acknowledging that we had some good moments together but our life philosophies are just too opposite to continue engaging in any type of interaction. They choose religion, I choose life. It's that simple. 

I know what love is, looks and feels like. The other day I shared a song on my fb, the title is, I don't know what love is. In fact, I do know what love is, and I feel very grateful for that. I am blessed enough to love and be loved in return. For a long while, I wondered if the type of love I am living was fulfilling to me. Today I realize it is not that love should fill me with anything. I should be complete in my own way. Trying to be complete on my terms has freed both myself and my significant other. 

I think my biggest obstacle to achieving anything I want is my lack of discipline. I have a few health issues that are not really serious but they annoy me deeply and together, they have the power to really divert my attention from what I wish to be doing on a more permanent basis. I've been spending loads of time in bed these days, as I only feel tired and apathetic. But I am hopeful this will go and next week I will be able to engage on pursuing my dreams again. I do not dream of becoming big and famous. I just dream of having a consistent routine. I find that extremely hard to achieve. 

Some people feel really uncomfortable around me. Maybe because I am very socially awkward or something. I tend to lose my vitality when I am around people. I will never know why, but I can only interact to a certain extent, because I am soon to feel drained. And that is not a very nice feeling. So when I am on my own I try to get back into balance. Sometimes it takes me weeks to recover. I believe I am a good friend, but I could definitely be better if only I was able to keep the energy in my body. 

Meditation helps. It is not a panacea, but it definitely helps me stay grounded and a little balanced. My main difficulty, again, is discipline. I am naturally incapable of keeping a routine on anything I love and wish to do. That takes its toll on my health, but I am feeling hopeful. With all my intent, I wish to get back to blogging. And doing all the stuff I like to do. So this is where I am at the moment. This is a bit of who I am at present.