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Tuesday, 5 August 2014

Another break on the wall :)

16:05 Posted by Afro Latina , No comments

People: So what are you up to? 

Me: Nothing.


The above answer can be quite terrifying, I guess. I don't really know if I'll ever get used to it. 


Nothing scares me. I think I should have probably used a quotation, but I fancy the effect… it does frighten me but… does it?


This is my second facebook detox this year. Oh dear, I still love facebook. It's just that I've been lacking patience these days. It's pretty much the same: I feel I have nothing much to say, but keep saying anyway. So it gets repetitive, as I give and take sameness. Maybe one day I will realize facebook is not really my thing?


Well, maybe. For now, I am just behaving as another addict: one day at a time. Being out of the social network makes me more mindful of my immediate reality. It's not that great of an existence, I know. However, allowing myself to experience and be grateful for whatever little I have, without worrying much about updates that will not change my life anyway - well, that has value. Or, at least, I've started to pay more attention to some tiny things I wouldn't otherwise. The older I get, the better I realize how much they matter to me. 


Everytime I temporarily quit facebook, my mindset is usually directed towards achieving specific goals. I aim at being outstandingly productive. I think I will accomplish loads of things my easily distracted mind wouldn't be able to finalize - because I obviously keep on refreshing that damn blue page all the time. So I like to fantasize that I will come up with the solution to all human ailments during my detox periods. 


Not gonna happen :P 


Besides, I used to think I'd figure out exactly what I want to do with my professional life. So, so naive. I ended up finding out about what I did NOT want to do with it, last time I deactivated my account. I know it doesn't sound as promising as "eureka! I know what I want to do for a living!", but it's something, I suppose. 


So here is the thing: I am becoming more and more grounded in reality, I guess. This time I haven't assigned myself any deadline (I wouldn't accomplish it, anyway). I haven't set myself the goal of figuring out what I want to do with my insignificant being. I just decided that, for one or a few days, I will live in the moment. 


It's been quite complicated. This mindfulness thing belongs in the level hard category of actions. I think it would be easier for me to learn how to do Jillian's workouts than tackle that one. Whenever I stop and contemplate on the difficulties of living in the present, I kind of feel hopeless. But then I realize I am overthinking it. All my life, that has been precisely the problem: thinking in excess. 

So I am starting to feel this is the moment for me to start thinking less, and a bit more effectively. Some things I cannot change at the moment, and it's fine. Some things I think I will be able to take action upon - that's just great. Some stuff I regret profoundly. I need to do what people have been doing from the dawn of times: move on. 


Whenever I am faced with the question that opens this non-article, I usually give the answer that's more closely related to capitalism: Nothing. Because no, I am not generating income. No, I am not doing "productive" work. There is no profession. I have not turned into some sort of niche celebrity. I haven't a clue why patriarchy still resonates so much with people.


But I'm alive. For better or for worse, I have plenty of time to be sad, then happy again, sad, then happy again, to bake a cake, to chop green onions and garnish all my dishes, to sort out the clothes I want from those I can donate to a charity, to look at the mirror and think I look hideous, then to look again and think oh, she's so cute! Sometimes, I get even lucky enough to focus on a book. 


This is where I am today. I haven't planned on updating this blog, and I think it will be a while until I get back here again. Or not. Who knows.


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